It was the junior minister, Simon Burns, who handled most questions about the unloved health and social care bill
Poor Andrew Lansley had to answer health questions on Tuesday. Or at least was supposed to. Having been heckled by angry health service workers on Monday, he had to face the less fastidious folk on the Labour benches.
Except he didn't. Or not very much. Mr Lansley has worse communication skills than our cat. At least she makes clear what she wants, when she wants it. Mr Lansley finds that beyond him.
So his understrappers answered for him – as if on the Bounty, Captain Bligh had announced: "I see the men are getting uppity. Take care of it, Christian, while I go to my cabin for a cup of cocoa."
He did answer one or two questions, though not about his bill. "I always listen to advice," he said at one point, bringing mass chortles from opposition MPs, who believe that the only advice he listens to is: "Stick at it, Andy, you've got it spot on!"
Instead, it was a junior minister, Simon Burns, who handled most questions about the unloved health and social care bill. Mr Burns sounds like a sheep who's been out on a cold Lakeland fell for too long. You want to lean over and throw him a Fisherman's Friend. His strategy is to imply that there is no opposition to the bill, or if there is it's based on grievous error.
"As Jim Callaghan said, 'an inaccuracy can be halfway round the world before truth has got its boots on!'" Jim Callaghan, he did not add, also said he saw no signs of mounting chaos, a remark which, shortened to "Crisis, what crisis?" haunted him for the rest of his days. Certainly health ministers don't seem to see any crisis.
Labour's Jessica Morden assailed him. "I am extremely sorry if the hon lady believes the mantra she has just spewed out!" he replied. ("Doctor, I've been spewing out mantras!" "You need an urgent operation. Come back and see me in two years.")
Dame Joan Ruddock asked if another junior minister, Anne Milton, had seen Polly Toynbee's article in the Guardian about the way NHS waiting-list figures are fiddled. Tories collapsed with relieved laughter. At last, an enemy they could all agree on! They had, perhaps, forgotten that in 2006 David Cameron took the view the Tories should pay more attention to the Toynbee mantras. Ms Milton was cautious. She hadn't read the article, but was sure she would. Ministers resemble a member of the old politburo, fearfully wondering what Stalin thinks this week.
A Liberal Democrat, Andrew George, nominally a supporter of the government, asked bluntly if Mr Lansley would drop his bill. Mr Lansley did not tell us. Instead, Mr Burns rose again and said: "No." Pressed, he said that doctors all wanted an end to political squabbling so that they could get on with the reforms. Amid howls of mockery, a Labour voice shouted: "Stop, it's hurting!"
Finally, Mr Lansley did answer a question about the bill. He thought that only people who were out of touch could imagine it was other than perfect. Oh, dear. When they cast him adrift in an open boat with a small barrel of water, he'll explain that the men are only implementing the essential re-organisation to which he remains entirely committed.