✒An unusual example of a hack enraged by an offer of a free lunch is the columnist and Jewish Chronicle editor, Stephen Pollard. The bust-up began when a PR company offered fine dining for Pollard and 10 others at 195 Piccadilly, home to Bafta, but with the proviso that his guests would "consider it for future events" (Bafta hosts barmitzvahs) and hinting at editorial coverage in the JC. "If I discovered one of my staff had accepted such an offer I would sack them on the spot," replied Pollard, adding: "I have rarely been so astounded by an email" – no small claim from a man who tangled with Richard Desmond.
✒The launch issue of the UK edition of Women's Health magazine – like Men's Health, but for women – features the tagline "It's good to be you". It certainly is. Selected headlines from the Women's Health cover: "Your perfect weight in just 14 days … A flat sexy stomach in 15 minutes … Eat cake, lose weight." It's good to be you. Even better to be less of you.
✒What red-blooded Englishman could resist a St George's Day musical gala with numbers ranging from The White Cliffs of Dover and The Dambusters March to Land of Hope and Glory and the Hallelujah Chorus? Hardly any, of course, and it's proved irresistible to one red-blooded Welshman too, as the host for this patriotic concert/rally at the Albert Hall in April is John Humphrys, the almost wearingly peppy Today anchorman. Monkey hopes he'll be dressed as John Bull, or at least wearing an Engerlund shirt with Humphrys on the back.
✒Forget Adele's one-finger salute – ITV executives may wish they could – the defining TV image of last week's Brits was surely the three middle-aged chaps shuffling around their table to Blur. There was the 5 Live presenter Richard Bacon, gurning to camera with beer in hand; there was Louie Spence, doing what Louie Spence does best; but who was the stern-looking chap with his arms folded across his chest? Step forward the ITV chief executive, Adam Crozier. Party on!
✒An unexpected treat for Sky's head of drama, Anne Mensah, who encountered a beach full of penguins on a trip to Cape Town to visit the filming of her dramas, Mad Dogs and Strike Back. "They are mostly having sex," Mensah told the Royal Television Society's Television magazine. "Who knew that penguins sound like donkeys when they make love? I try not to let it ruin my memories of Happy Feet."
✒Expect more tie-ups between Channel 5 and the rest of Richard Desmond's media empire despite the not entirely memorable experience that was its teatime showbiz effort, OK! TV. C5's director of programmes, Jeff Ford, said he was looking for more synergies with the Daily Express and Daily Star at a Broadcasting Press Guild lunch last week. He'll have plenty of opportunity to discuss them with Desmond. "I have probably two or three meetings with him a week and those last hours," said Ford.
✒Monkey's quote of the week: "I studied politics at A-level": the boyish BBC motor-racing presenter Jake Humphrey's disarming explanation of why he's the ideal compere for BBC3's new debate show, Free Speech, despite a CV largely limited to sport and CBBC.
✒A peek behind the scenes at BBC Radio 5 Live, which was temporarily forced off air last week for the second time in little over a month after a fire alarm prompted an evacuation of its expensive new Salford HQ. The emergency reserve tape kicked in – a Richard Bacon interview with Michael Palin. But there was no need for the programme's presenter, Nicky Campbell, to leave his desk. He was broadcasting the show down the line from London.
✒Could there be grumpiness in the green room at Sky Arts between the two titled septuagenarians it has recently recruited? The subtly provocative plan is for Sir Michael Parkinson, signed last week, to talk to "the key practitioners of the arts world, in the definitive interview of their life and times". But Lord Bragg, who is due to revive The South Bank Show on Sky Arts, has already quizzed virtually all of them and did his best to make those interviews definitive. Leave it, Melv, he's not worth it.
✒The clearout at the soon-to-be-sold BBC Television Centre has begun. A workshop will be held this week for news staff moving to the refurbished Broadcasting House. According to an email from a BBC "change co-ordinator", the workshop will explain "what people can do with their notebooks and documents ahead of the move to W1". The piles of paper collected over the years, some of which are still useful, have to be sorted through as there is little room at BH to store material. Staff have been told that anything left will be put in a skip. The email adds: "It should be particularly useful for correspondents and producers who have umpteen books going back years and are worried about where they can be stored." Monkey pities the poor person who has to tell Broadcasting House sceptic Jeremy Paxman.