Response to the Telegraph story on abortion clinics shows this is is not a government but a PR agency with fabulous offices
✒Andrew Lansley bizarrely diverted NHS resources to do a sudden investigation of abortion clinics. This followed an article in the Telegraph. Of course. You have to remember that in many ways this is not a government, but a PR agency with fabulous offices. And as with all PR, you are at the mercy of public opinion as it shifts course. Sometimes it tugs you both ways, and you end up doing the splits, very painfully. As Abraham Lincoln almost said, you can please all of the people some of the time, you can please some of the people all of the time, but you can't please … you know the rest.
✒We went to support our daughter at a comedy gig this week, and discovered there was a group of several young Germans in the audience. The MC asked them to heckle him in German, which they did – I caught the word scheiss, and the MC, Keiran Boyd, said sadly: "So you don't like my T-shirt?" It turned out he spoke German, and mentioned the way that whereas in English we talk about "a matter of life and death", Germans curiously say that it all comes down to sausage. Did they know any other sausage-related phrases?
Yes, they did. One translated roughly as "life has only one end, but a sausage has two ends". Food for thought in every way there. The group were in a constant good humour and seemed to enjoy all the acts, one of them even going on stage to help our daughter with her set. I know there is no reason at all to suppose that Germans don't have a sense of humour, but it's pleasantly heartwarming to have it confirmed that they do.
✒ I get sent lots of books, as publishers hope that I might mention them. Sadly, if I read them all I wouldn't have time for anything else, such as work, eating or sleep. And some are not really suitable for a weekend column: 600-page histories of inter-war diplomacy, for example, or Where Do We Go From Here? – seeking a new philosophy of life. Or the history of a minor football club with a passionate following.
But now and again a book leaps out. This week it was Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops, by Jen Campbell, who I gather is a poet. It is very funny indeed, and you can't imagine it being written about any other kind of retail outlet.
Take the customer (these are all true) who wanted George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Six. Didn't he mean Nineteen Eighty-Four? "No, I've always remembered it because it was the year I was born." The woman who wanted a pop-up book about sex education. Or: Customer: "Do you have a copy of Atonement? But not the film cover, please. Keira Knightley's neck always makes me want to punch things." One customer asked for a Kindle to be explained, then inquired: "Do the books come in hardback or paperback?" And I was rather touched by the man who went into every bookshop, asking for one written by someone with his name, so he could look cool by carrying it around and pretending he'd written it. Or: "Do you have any crime books involving speeding fines?"
It's published by Constable at £7.99.
✒My mention of elderly foodstuffs last week has brought umpteen replies, often carrying the gruesome news that many are still in production. Paul Walter says that Cadbury's Smash still sells 140m servings a year. Who to? People who need loads of paste to hang wallpaper? Mr Walter says you can buy Mivvis, Camp coffee, Marvel instant milk and even dried egg. Dan Atkinson reminds me of Instant Whip, not that I wished to remember. Dermot Nolan found some Vesta beef curry, and reports that it is inferior now to the original version, though I can't quite see how.
Margaret Crisell says that in the 60s her boyfriend at university had a standard dinner menu designed to wow the women. It included Vesta beef curry followed by tinned mandarin oranges with Carnation milk. She married him anyway but reports that he has never got over his nostalgia for these almost forgotten foods. "Recently he asked for some in a supermarket. The smirking assistant told him: 'We don't stock Vesta curries. They are an outdated eating concept.'"
✒Thanks too for the flood of signs and labels, and once more, apologies that I can't use your brilliant example because we've used it before. Unlike these. Patrick Cornwell sent in two; shows what you can spot if you get your eye in. He went for a walk in the country, where he came to a gate labelled "Gates not to be opened or closed. Due to health and safety." Helping a friend with his new bike, he spotted that the handlebars were labelled "grasp both ends to ensure best performance".
The growth of computerised commerce means that these days we're always getting explanations and apologies which are not only insincere; they're not generated by sentient humans at all. This can lead to weird overreactions, as when reader Andrew Rolph – admittedly in nitpicking mode – wrote to the Friends Reunited site to complain about a misplaced apostrophe. The computer replied: "Thank you for taking time to report this problem. I have passed the details of this specific issue to our technical team to look at and investigate. Your patience while we work to resolve this is appreciated." Or perhaps he'd come across a very sarcastic computer programme.
Allan and Gill Hayhurst emailed from their breakfast at the Novotel in Liverpool, where the tiny tubs of butter were labelled: "Caution. Contains milk." Andrea Munn's husband bought some equipment for their home. The little icons on the label warn that anyone installing it should wear a mouth mask, ear defenders, protective goggles and gloves. It's a coat hook.